Letter to myself at 15

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Dear Fan Amy,

Hello! Yes, people still call you “Fan Amy” because of your stupid Facebook name. Don’t worry- you’ll get it fixed after you send Facebook your driving permit.

Is everything alright? High school going well for you? Okay, that was a rhetorical question. I know that you’re going through a ridiculous amount of insecurity and frustration right now. I remember all those nights where you go to sleep hoping you won’t wake up and all those nights where you don’t know why you’re awake but don’t want to go to sleep.

And oh dear the AWKWARDNESS. Your junior year, you’ll hear a police officer say that a place isn’t safe if it doesn’t feel safe. Similarly, you couldn’t be unawkward if you didn’t feel unawkward. Despite what people told you, you certainly felt awkward.

I was going to include a description of how all your failures and insecurities from freshman year got better by senior year, but I took it out. It’s three times as long as this letter, and it’s too personal for the web. Besides, I want you to become comfortable with that uncertainty, that horrible existential fear of not being enough, and to keep doing things even though they you feel out of your skin uncomfortable.

Because one day last semester, I spent 20 minutes during lunch wandering the quarter-mile halls alone because I didn’t want to talk to a teacher. And that was after an hour of working up the courage during my office period. Sound familiar? I felt just like you then, an awkward freshman with a heavy backpack not knowing where to go during lunch.

Except this was second semester senior year- literally when I should have felt on top of the school. After too much overthinking, I eventually opened the door, had that conversation, and it was worth it- it takes you to New York, you get on national television, and you meet some pretty awesome people.

But it still bothers me. What took me months of indecision, self-hatred for not simply brushing aside the inferiority complex and working harder, my friends telling me that I wasn’t one of them, an hour of talking to myself, and 20 lonely minutes in the halls, other people had decided at the beginning of the year in an instant it seemed.

In college, I won’t have the luxury of wrestling with my feelings and indecision for that long, and I’m worried about what price I’ll have to pay. It seems like you would understand, since you’re already a freshman- what are your thoughts?

Embrace the awkwardness, because it’s not going away. I love you.

-The 18 year old Amy

P.S. I’m making things sound too melodramatic. Here’s two lighthearted spoilers: 1) “Amy didn’t make the AIME” will continue to be the biggest joke in Math Club until you graduate, 2) Something called “dank memes” will make their way into conversations with your friends. You’ll have a love hate relationship with them.

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To everyone who thinks I’m too “formal” on here…

LOL, what? I try to write like I speak in real life, or at least an idealized form of speaking where I’m not super-awkward and where I have the chance to edit everything I say.

However, you’ve told me that I write like a 50 year-old on here and that I’m too uptight in my writing.  (“Geez isn’t this a personal blog. Who are you writing for anyways?”)

I really don’t know what to say to that. I feel like my voice comes through enough. Do you want me to use textspeak in everything I write or something? Should I be ranting away at my pathetic teenage life instead of trying to write something that’s slightly more mentally stimulating?

To be honest, I’ve already been noticing a strong apathy towards “serious” issues among society nowadays, myself included. It’s much easier to laugh at other people and our dumbed-down culture or to wallow in self-pity instead of noticing what’s actually going on in this world and creating something.

Even through this blog, posts about my life problems or are centered around visuals generally get more views than posts about more abstract ideas, showing what you guys actually prefer reading. Guess what? I decided a while ago that I’m not writing to appease you guys anymore; I’m writing for myself.  I put more effort into every  blog post than I do into most of my schoolwork, and I’ve been caring a lot more about school recently.

This is the only place where I can seriously discuss what’s on my mind with no restrictions. Most of these topics I’ll  never bring up in a normal conversation, (Can you picture me going up to people and asking them “What’s important in life?“) but that doesn’t mean those thoughts don’t exist in my head.

Perhaps my entire point of view is based around some egotistical belief that everything that I write is important when it’s probably a bunch of non-epiphanies and restatements of other peoples discoveries, but I’d appreciate it if you’d understand why I write how I write.

Thanks for reading,

Amy