In light of college application season, I’ll be writing a series called “Rejected College Essays” for the next few months. As I’ve been working on my essays, I’ve realized the lack of personal details and feelings I put into this blog. Here’s an attempt at being an idiotic insecure teenager.
Elementary/middle school crushes were probably some of the most intense and irrational things I’ve ever felt.
First, there’s the attraction. The excessive giggling at everything he says, the sickening rush of excitement every time you see him, yet being afraid to look in his direction.
Then, the obsession. The non-stop thoughts, wanting them to never stop, and yet wanting to be able to focus on something, anything, else. Embracing the feeling and hating it at the same time. That fusion of pure bliss and pure sorrow. The stomach knot forming, the physical heartache, the pain at knowing that he won’t know, yet also the idiotic smiling to yourself. Wanting to talk to him one more time, yet also wanting it to become so much more. (What exactly? Who knows.)
The paralyzing fear of someone finding out, while secretly wanting someone, anyone to talk to it about, to gush, to spill it all out. In middle school, if I had to confide in someone, I would pull them aside, quickly whisper “I like_____” in their ear, blush uncontrollably, and start laughing and repeating “DON’T TELL ANYONE”. Actually I still do that. Nevermind.
If there’s a definition of cognitive dissonance, a crush embodies it all. Man middle school was fun.
After around 8th grade or so, I was unable to embody all of these thoughts together. Sometimes, I would get a miserable stomach knot, sometimes I just wanted to talk to them one more time, sometimes I’ll smile thinking about a face or a conversation, but nothing insanely and overwhelmingly powerful.
And even though I’ve been in a relationship for a good part of high school, I find myself attracted to other people quickly and easily. And then I find myself not attracted to them just as quickly and easily.
- Stop standing there, Avril Lavigne
- Things I’ll never say, Avril Lavigne
- Quiet, LIGHTS
- The Listening, LIGHTS (Not just for crushes, but any awkward situation in general)
- TS: state of grace
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