WASHINGTON D.C.- Al-Qaeda leaders have claimed responsibility for the utter destruction of both the House of Representatives and the Senate by two sleeper agents.
D.C. residents first realized that a terrorist attack had occured when twin plumes of smoke and fire appeared on the D.C. skyline, but more tellingly, when the usually incessant stream of passive-aggresive congressional press reports ceased. One congressional aide states, “When I saw that the regularly scheduled diatribe regarding Obamacare hadn’t been issued, I knew that something had happened even before seeing the scenes of destruction outside my window.”
First responders have reported that the attack, which turned the historical Capitol Building and surrounding structures into smoking piles of rubble, left apparently no survivors.
There was a moment of stunned silence in Times Square when the news that every member of Congress was now dead was broadcast, followed by deafening applause and cheers. Massive spontaneous celebrations took place throughout the nation. There was an atmosphere of elation at the New York Stock Exchange as the DOW, NASDAQ and S&P indexes all increased by at least 200%. “Without a manufactured crisis to completely kill investor confidence every few weeks, there isn’t any reason America can’t have stable growth,” Alonzo Laurent, an experienced market analyst stated.
Several new job reforms have already reduced the unemployment rate to prerecession levels.
Muhammad al-Zanj and Ansar bin Abdulaziz, Saudi Arabian nationals who orchestrated the bombing, have been posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor, Purple Heart and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. In his congratulatory speech, President Obama stated. “The whole nation must thank these brave men who gave their lives so that the nation could be free of the largest threat to its continued existence.”
After the dramatically positive response to their attack, Al-Qaeda leaders rapidly denied their involvement. “Of course Hezbollah was behind these attacks, or maybe even the al-Nusra Front. Its just like those incompetent heretics to aid the Great Satan.”
Last winter break I lied to one of my friends and told him that I would guest post this. If you know me at all, it should be obvious who it is.
Also I really hope I’m not getting put on any watch lists for this.