Not Written By Me: Democrats Revise Religious Policy in Favor of Pagan Gods

In exchange for reading a book, my friend Lucian agreed to write a post for me to make up for the reading time that I would have spent writing another post.

And after spending a while setting regulations on what he could and could not write about, (for instance, no South African neo-Nazi posts), this Onion-style article (read: completely fake and satirical) was produced. No offence intended to anyone.

Democrats Revise Religious Policy in Favor of Pagan Gods

WASHINGTON D.C.- Major leaders of the democratic party have unanimously decided to revise the party platform in favor of the worship of pagan gods.

This move comes after other revisions such as mandatory gay marriage and abortion for all citizens, a complete ban on all firearms and a Communist economic system where the rich and talented are systematically hunted down and executed.

This decision will favor the worship of ancient gods of Babylon and Assyria over modern religions such as Christianity and Judaism.

” I believe that idols as Baal(a Levantine god of fertility derided by the Hebrew bible as false) and Belial(the Assyrian god of war) are the true path forward for America. Shall they have the worship and sacrifice they demand, our nation shall have many glorious harvests and our warriors shall never falter!”said Democratic Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, who was draped in thick scarves and robes symbolic of a high priest of Baal.

President Obama has also taken the change to heart. Last night, he lead the first official sacrificial ritual in American history. After rounding up all of the “vestiges of a false religion” like bibles, crosses and holy books of other faiths, his followers piled them around the national Christmas tree and lit a great bonfire.

The President than strode out, decked in the garb of an Hittite King. He proceeded slaughter a live goat in front of a massive, cheering crowd.

When he cast the goat into the fire, he began chanting in Ancient Assyrian, the language of the priest caste.

An expert has translated the President’s statement: ” Oh, great lord and master Baal, I implore you grant our pleas for a bountiful harvest! Bask and be pleased with us, lord, for we have brought thee tribute, in form of lamb and the idols of your false competitors. Grant us strength in battle and cause torment to those who would oppose us!”

The President then lead a mob of supporters towards the National Cathedral, where he lead them in tossing torches through the multi-million dollar stained glass windows and tearing down the stone façades.

There has been very limited support for this decision in the general public and the Republican Party.

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